Burnout Break: Day One

A chronological look at my first day on medical leave due to Active Autistic Burnout and the mini meltdown that temporarily disrupted my evening

You may notice that this post didn’t show up in your inbox at the time I usually post. I hope that this isn’t too disruptive to your days, but I realized that in slowing down, I needed to shift how I approach my Substack. Rather than posting at my completely made-up time of 12:01 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that was putting pressure on myself, I have chosen to simplify. I’ll post when I post. While my internal goal is still to write something each of those days, I am no longer forcing myself to be so rigid. Today got away from me, so it’ll likely be closer to 10 PM before this goes up. And maybe none of you care about that, but anyone who does care, I wanted you to understand where this shift was coming from.

This is my first day where I didn’t have to log into work. The first thing I noticed was that by simply removing that requirement, it has given me the freedom to let the day and my body set the pace, versus me structuring everything around a work schedule. Oddly, after weeks of struggling to get out of bed before 10 AM, I got up around 8:30. I didn’t sleep well and was in quite a bit of pain, so I sat in my massage chair for two different 30-minute sessions. Then Dobby had to go out so I checked on my cucumbers and looked at my herbs and flowers. I came back inside and then rested for a bit before taking Dobby to the groomer at noon. My anxiety level in the morning stayed low, except for the too-many times I thought about having to go back to work eventually. It’s amazing how much strain work was putting on my body and mind. I’m not saying I shouldn’t work. I actually want to work. But I think it might be time to see what other options I have to bring in income. I’m not sure—once I recover from the burnout—if a traditional 9-5 office job is the right answer for me anymore.

As I understand more about my Autism diagnosis and review the doctor’s report, I begin to wonder if trying to maintain this type of work is sustainable. Both my evaluation and the evaluation my observer did scored me with a severity level of 2, requiring substantial support. It doesn’t mean that I can’t work. It means that when I do work, I typically go about six months of the year doing okay, and then usually around April or May (though sometimes it hits earlier in the year), I begin a slow decline in my ability to function day to day. This has consistently been my pattern for the last 13 years I have been at my current day job. Every time the heat of summer hits heavy, the depression spikes and my executive functioning plummets. Without fail. And every time the weather starts to shift into fall and the temps drop below 70, my heart begins to feel lighter, and my ability to mask again increases.

I have discussed this with my therapist over the last couple of years, as I began to notice this pattern a few years back. I thought perhaps that there was a trauma trigger that led me down that dark road to depression but couldn’t quite put my finger on what was causing it. Armed with a diagnosis that explains literally everything I have shamed myself about my entire life, I now understand that there is a cyclical burnout that happens to me every year. And on top of that, every few years, the depression becomes clinical, and I completely shut down. Well, I suppose it isn’t completely, because I have still—in the midst of utter despair—forced myself to do some work. The last major episode was in 2020, with minor episodes each year since then. It looks like I can sustain the high-functioning and intense masking for about 5-6 years before my body and brain decide they simply cannot do it anymore.

It’s a little daunting to realize this because I can’t help but look to the future, when this medical leave is over, and question what happens next. Without learning an entirely new way to live my life—and that is in fact what I am facing—how do I sustain my office day job? Knowing that I experience burnout every year for half of the year, where I am able to mask it a little better, and that I fall into an even deeper burnout every few years, how do I navigate my professional life? I know I don’t have to figure it all out right now. This is just me processing and putting the thought on this virtual paper so that I can clear my mind.

I used to think disability was the answer to my chronic pain. That putting my body under this kind of strain over and over again would let up, if I could go on disability and save my spine. When Kris and I last talked about disability, it was a few months ago and we both determined that disability wasn’t the right call. Neither of us could, in good conscience, try to convince the government that I couldn’t work—because for the last 20 years off and on I have proven that I can, in fact, work. Once again, the idea of can vs. should arises in my mind.

When I factor in the Autism and the cyclical nature of burnout I experience, without significant accommodations in my current work setting, I am not certain how employable I am. I am nearly 50 years old, I suffer from anxiety with panic attacks, PTSD from prior trauma that also plays into my overall ability to mask and function, and I would need more assistance when it comes to seating, working from home, and other things that make me less desirable to an employer. I can keep working at my current company, and they will make accommodations, as they have been doing for the last decade plus. But at what cost to me? At what cost to the company, when nearly 6 months out of the year I am struggling to function? I’m not saying disability is the right option, but I have now shifted how I see it, because it’s no longer me trying to convince the government that I can’t work. What I am struggling to believe is that this is sustainable the older I get. It definitely warrants more thought, research, and discussion.

I’ll be praying about it through this journey, as ultimately, my heart is to do ministry. I would love to do it completely unpaid. If that isn’t possible because our finances can’t sustain that, then I want to find ways that don’t fill me with so much dread and anxiety where I can still contribute financially, while also taking care of my body and my brain.

As of 11 AM, I hadn’t eaten anything because I didn’t feel hungry. But when I got up to go to the bathroom and wash my hands, I saw my recumbent bike and remembered that my doctor asked me to do 5 minutes a day, 5 days a week. And I had a little burst of motivation, so I did 10 minutes—not to overachieve or overwork myself but because I felt like I could. It honestly felt far more productive and sustainable than what I have been doing for years on end, which was forcing myself to workout for 30 minutes to an hour, or simply not doing it at all. It has always been all or nothing for me…

After the bike, it was nearly time to take Dobby to the groomer. I changed my clothes and because I was near the sink, I decided to brush my hair and my teeth. That might feel small and simple to most, but to me it represents doing something that I usually struggle to do on days when I’m not seeing anyone I know. So the fact that I felt like brushing my teeth was a win in my book. I dropped Dobby off at the groomer, which is always a bit traumatic because he has horrible separation anxiety and hates when I leave him anywhere. So I rushed out and back to my car so I didn’t have to hear him begging me to come back and take him home.

Knowing I wanted to write this post, I took my laptop to Chick-fil-A and thought I would write while I waited for Dobby to be done. Instead of writing this post, I began writing a book. Well, that’s not completely true. I began writing a trilogy. Yeah, you read that right. A trilogy. It’s something that has been living rent free in my head for years now. A very specific trilogy about hiding, hurting, and healing. A fictional series that explores each of these elements. I wrote chapter 1 of The Girl Who Hid (tentative title) and got a good start on chapter 2. I am also going to be pursuing connecting with a publishing company and presenting my idea to see if it has any traction.

The groomer called after an hour and a half and it was time to pick up my baby. I got him and he looks so handsome! And he got a new tie. See?

When we got home, I set myself up in the family room and watched TV while I worked on my new series a bit longer. I knew that my kitchen needed some attention, so I did some research on ways to slow myself down. Usually—when I can actually function—I will take ten minutes and very quickly unload the dishwasher and then reload it and start it. By the time I finish that, my back is screaming (i.e. burning, searing pain at T3-4 where I have a herniated disc) and I have to sit down. So I looked up some tips on how to shift how I do things. And I made a plan to tackle the dishes. The best tips I found to slow down were to put away one dish at a time, using my non-dominant hand. It sounded tedious and time consuming, and I thought it would be a lot of walking. I have a coach through my health insurance so I consulted with my coach and took the suggestions to do 5 dishes, one at a time, and then rest in my chair for 60 seconds. I did this 3 times and then began to look at the dishes I needed to wash by hand. Thanks, ADHD. I hadn’t even finished unloading the dishwasher and I was now 30 minutes into the task. Oh, I also took the suggestion of my coach and turned on slower music, as research shows that if you work while playing fast music you actually tend to work more quickly, and my whole goal was to slow down. The snail’s pace was driving me a little crazy, but I persisted.

However, at this time, there were 4 extra people in my house that don’t live here. I took that as a personal insult and became extremely frustrated at the fact that after an hour all I had done was put away 1/3 of the dishes in the dishwasher, put away the 5 dishes that were clean and dry in the sink (there were 6 so I asked Kris to put away one so I could clear the sink). Technically, there were 8 dishes in the sink, but I counted the 3 pieces of my clean food processor as 1. I hate math. And numbers. Anyway, I was becoming quite cranky. I told Kris I would pick up his prescription today, but I forgot about it until 5:30 PM. So Bre and I decided to go get it. I forgot to activate my new HSA card, so I had to go back inside to get Kris’ because I immediately became overwhelmed because I had to fill out a bunch of info in an app in order to activate it and it was just too much. My mood continued its downward spiral but I persisted and drove to CVS. Once there, I immediately saw a line with at least 6 cars in it and called Kris to see if this was a medication he needed to have for today or tomorrow morning. He let me off the hook by indicating he had one more for the morning. So I drove home, complaining to Bre the entire time. It was an adult temper tantrum, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Because this is me. This is how I experience the world.

Ultimately, I think I resented the fact that my day flowed so well, until people came over. That immediately disrupted me, as I was only expecting 2 of the 4 people. I love all the people who came over, but because I wasn’t expecting the others, I felt overwhelmed. And rather than giving myself some time to adjust and reset, as two of the people were leaving, that’s when I chose to go to CVS. And then knowing it was a wasted trip further piled on. And I realize that in typing all of this, it may seem so stupid or silly to some of you reading. But I am choosing to not care. I simply can’t. I don’t have the energy to care if someone is silently judging me for how I process my life.

Bre went home and I chose to self-soothe and reset with some hot chocolate and today’s episode of General Hospital—my guilty pleasure. As the salty, chocolatey, marshmallowy goodness made its way down my throat and into my soul, I felt the frustration from the evening dissipate. I then talked to my health coach about my day and realized that overall, I did extremely well. I exceeded my 2500 step goal by over 600 steps. It might seem small, but I know myself and what I have been able to do lately, so I didn’t want to overwhelm myself with too big of a goal. While that seems easy perhaps, you must understand that in prior weeks I was lucky to get 1000 steps in if I didn’t leave the house. So a goal of 2500 was a large ask, but I felt like it was doable while on medical leave.

I was over my allotted calories for the day, but there was still a small deficit so it definitely felt like a win, especially because I am not putting pressure on myself to lose the 70 pounds I need to lose right now. But I am trying to build healthy habits so I am committed to tracking and working with my health coach. Lest you think I didn’t think about God at all, I did a good amount of praying and soothing my heart with worship music mid-afternoon. I am approaching this holistically, as I believe that you cannot simply heal the body while neglecting the soul.

And now as I wind down and write through my day, I’ve got Psych on in the background, because it is the ultimate comfort show for me. Between my favorite hyper-fixation and writing, I am finally feeling as if the mini meltdown was just a blip on the radar. Overall, as I look back at the day, I am proud of myself. It was insanely difficult to slow down as I did with the dishes. And when I got back from the unsuccessful CVS trip and my coach advised that I had spent an hour previously in the kitchen, I gave myself permission to not finish the dishes. They can wait. And tomorrow, I can take another hack at it. I will admit that going that slow, pacing myself and taking breaks to support my spine was extremely maddening because who does things that slowly???? Seriously!

At the end of the day, which it officially is, I’m calling it a success. Last week I could barely get out of bed while knowing I also had to navigate my day job. Today only having to take care of myself allowed me to engage in activities I have been struggling to do for months. I know it will take time to adjust to a slower life, but I believe it is essential for me to maintain a healthy balance.

Tomorrow or Wednesday I’ll share more about the things God placed on my heart during my worship session in the car earlier today. Because during my prayer time with Him, He revealed a couple of things to me through the first two songs that He gave me when Kris was first diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma not quite two years ago.