Because we can’t talk about the healing until we’re honest about the hurt.
When I started The Weight of Stillness, I knew I would fully lay myself bare. For the last fourteen years, I have tried to live openly and authentically. In doing so, God has grown me, used me, and taught me what it means to see other people. To look past the “sins” Christians can be so quick to point out. To not start with where a person went wrong. God stripped me bare to show me what he could do with a life that lived honestly and out loud. And perhaps God’s timing is just perfect in this. I already had this podcast scheduled. But every post for next week was scrapped entirely, or rewritten from a place of deeper authenticity. Purer and more open than I have been.
So it just makes sense in a fingerprints of God kind of way that this particular part of my story falls at the end of a week of awakening. Next week I’m setting the rules aside. I’ll kick it off today though, showing what I think it means to live out loud and to embrace the pain and the testimony God has given you.
I dive deep into a pig pen of my own making, gut-wrenching pain, and the utter mess I had made of my life and marriage leading up to 2012.
Note: In today’s episode, I am sharing the rawest part of my marriage story, including a marriage filled with infidelity and pornography. I’m reading a piece of my heart today…the reality of the Ugly Truth and what it feels like when your life and your nervous system seem to break at the same time.
If you are in the middle of a struggle, a relapse, or a season of deep betrayal, this is for you. This isn’t a how-to session. This is just me, sitting in the mud with you, telling you that I see how hard you are fighting.
Today I am opening my old blog archives from Loving When It Hurts and reading my account of my affair, my husband’s struggle with addiction, and the toxic cycle that nearly destroyed us. No editing a single word and without having previewed it first.
Why am I doing this?
Because the woman I am today in 2026 needs to hear what the woman in 2012 had to say.
And maybe you do too.
In this episode I share:
How I went from judging others to becoming the person I said I’d never be.
Why adultery comes silently, and can become a slippery slope vs. a cliff you jump from.
How we traded secrets and shame for twelve years.
The night the secret hit the light, and the unexpected way Kris responded.
I was petrified. My first instinct was to flee. To run away. But I felt like I owed it to him to go home and face what I had done.
A Note on the Audio: Because this is a blind read, you’ll hear me pause. You’ll hear me react to my own history. You might even hear me stumble over things I haven’t thought about in 14 years. This is raw, it’s messy, and it’s the truth.
This is Part 1 of a 3-part series on the Ugly Truth in my story. Join me every Saturday for the next two weeks as we walk through the rest of it together.
The Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry.
There will never be a paywall blocking you from full
access to what God is teaching me as I embrace
stillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry
God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a
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